It has been reported that the Director of Public Prosecutions is to "issue new social media rules" regarding what constitutes abuse, following a number of high-profile cases of nasty and offensive postings on Twitter and Facebook.

It is apparently known as "trolling", after the scary monsters. According to the Beeb: "Until recent years, the term 'trolls' referred to supernatural beings in Norse mythology." Has nobody there ever read The Lord of the Rings? A picture of one (from Troll-haugen, perhaps? Boom, boom!) was carried back in June, next to a report on proposed changes to the law.

Actually, I loved the depiction of trolls in the irreverent spoof by the Harvard Lampoon, called Bored of the Rings. In that, somewhat shorter, tome they are more like low-life gangsters and strip-club air-heads than the powerful, if sinister, stone monsters of Prof Tolkien's creation – which actually sounds more like the sad individuals who hide behind supposed anonymity to insult people in ways that would probably provoke a brawl if they were uttered aloud in a pub.

The report in June was accompanied by a photograph of one Frank Zimmerman, who apparently managed to "terrify" MP Louise Mensch by being nasty to her via email. The somewhat bedraggled Mr Zimmerman looks as if he would be at home as a Tolkien character. I won't risk prosecution by suggesting which one.

Ms Mensch, however, is herself a well-known Tweeter, which some would consider to be somewhat of a glass house. I, on the other hand, Tweet rarely, although I enjoy reading the efforts of others. Facebook I cannot get to grips with, though. With the best will in the world, I really do not want to know what my 'friends' had for breakfast or where they got drunk last night. I particularly do not want to see pictures of them doing it. Do people really have so much time on their hands?

The main reason I do not Tweet, however, is that nobody is paying me to do it. If readers of this column wish to furnish me with large amounts of money to insult them on the internet (together with a promise not to have me slung in the slammer) I would be happy to negotiate a rate. Dave, no doubt, would prefer I did it as a volunteer, but until he does his job for nothing I'm going to insist on the traditional method for making my living.

Another story that caused me distress was that of a man from Perth who appeared before that city's Sherriff's Court accused of behaving "...in a threatening or abusive manner which was likely to cause a reasonable person to suffer fear and alarm in that you did act in an aggressive manner, shout and throw a black pudding across the room".

Some readers may have inferred from my scribbling's that I hail from Lancashire. In particular, I am a native of Bury, the town where, to quote Stanley Holloway "...black puddings is made". So I was somewhat perturbed to see an allegation of the venerable delicacy being abused in that way. The accused man has denied the charge and the case goes to trial next month. Now, I don't know how many of the food safety experts listed in the Expert Witness Directory could offer guidance regarding the damage that can be done with a black pudding, but I hope that none are harmed in the process.

If the Perth gentleman does want to hurl black puddings, he can do it for a good cause at the annual World Championships. They are held in Ramsbottom, in aid of the Village Trust of what we used to jokingly refer to as the "ski resort of St Ubbins" nearby, where the event began.

Chris Stokes