Babies need to be attached
Attachment theory is very simple: it just describes the outcome of a mother’s and baby’s interactions.
Baby cries; mum acts. It is a perfect relationship for baby – if mum is able to recognise and respond to baby’s needs. This tiny sequence, which is so commonplace that it has become almost unnoticeable, is repeated possibly 10 times a day of the first couple of years of a baby’s life. That adds up to over 7,000 repetitions.
A lucky baby in that ideal position will learn some important lessons: “When I have a need and cry it makes something happen (I have agency). My mum accepts me and my feelings (my feelings are understood). She makes me feel better (feelings are resolvable). It is a safe and sensible decision to have a dependent relationship on my mum; and by extension adults can be trusted.”
Babies who are not lucky enough to have mothers who are attuned to their needs or are unable to meet those needs have an entirely different experience.
“When I have a need which I acknowledge this leads me to cry but nothing happens. I then feel worse because I have been crying for a long time and I know that my need has not been met (my feelings are a problem and I have no agency).”
Those babies learn that it is not safe to have a dependent relationship on their mum or others. They also learn that if you allow anything, including your own feelings, to take charge then you will lose out. It is therefore important to maintain control of all situations at all times.
For all babies the experience is repeated so frequently and is so primary that it affects the way their brain is structured and functions.
However, some people cope. In my teaching I often use the simile of a child learning language. Our first language is often the one we find easiest to use and it may affect our pronunciation of all languages for the rest of our lives. It is possible for us to learn a second language in later life.
Social and emotional experience of relationships can be like that, too. If our first lesson teaches us to avoid dependency and hide feelings, we can still be helped to form trusting relationships and share our feelings with practice and some structured learning.
So when an expert witness is asked to assess attachment they are looking at some very basic building blocks of a childís understanding of themselves and relationships.